Grand Line High School Host Club
by I Hate Change
Summary: One Piece AU. The Straw Hats is a host club in Grand Line High, and poor commoner Zoro is forced to join the Host Club. Main pairing: ZoSan, probably slight Zoro x Ace. Parody of Ouran High School Host Club but not really.


Disclaimer: I do not own One Piece, or Ouran High which was the inspiration for this story. And this is my second story that I had the guts to publish online so, be nice please. :)

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_What the hell is up with this school,_ Zoro thought as he roamed the empty hallways of Grand Line High. He had been looking for the library for a while now, but he couldn't find it, even with the map.

_The hallways must be changing_, he thought. He went straight into a hallway with a double-door entrance at the end, with the words "Straw Hats" written on it. Deciding that opening a door might lead him somewhere, he opened it and was greeted by four handsome princes and two beautiful princesses posed on a large sofa.

Classical music hit his ears and it soon registered to him that whatever this room was, it wasn't what he was looking for. He recognized the kid with jet black hair and straw hat immediately, and was standing beside a taller guy who had the same black hair and freckles sprayed on his face. There was a small kid who looked like he was 9 or 8 years old, and the blonde-haired idiot dubbed "Prince" in this school. Then there were two ladies: the orange-haired girl with glasses and a taller girl, probably taller than him. They were both eyeing him not in a way of admiration but rather with something that made him shift in his stance.

He awkwardly scratched the back of his head as the people dressed as royalty stared at him.

"What? It's just the poor scholar kid," the orange-haired lady approached him. She didn't bother looking up from the clipboard she held on her arms. She assessed him with a judgmental eye, making Zoro unusually uncomfortable.

Normally he'd just tell people like her, girl or guy, to fuck off. But something about her aura made it seem like she could ruin your life with a snap of her fingers.

"Ah! You're Zoro! Remember me?" the energetic guy wearing a straw hat waved at him. Luffy. The guy tackled him to the ground when he first came to the school, talking about how awesome he is.

_He probably just likes my hair_, Zoro thought.

"So you're the poor scholar kid huh?" The blonde stood up from his pose. He walked towards Zoro menacingly, and Zoro stood his ground, meeting the blonde's stare.

"Got a problem with that, _prince?_" Zoro said the last word mockingly.

The blonde stopped in his tracks before a small smirk formed in his lips. "No, not at all," he said. "So, what's wrong with your hair?"

"What's wrong with your eyebrows?" Zoro spat back.

"What about my eyebrows?" Sanji dared to ask.

"They're twirly, stupid. Does you mirror tell you your eyebrows look fine?"

"Did you even read the hair dye instructions or did you not know the hair dye was green?"

"Did you mistake a dart board for a guide to shaving eyebrows?"

"You can't talk to me like that!" Sanji exclaimed.

"I can talk to you however the fuck I want!" Zoro shouted back.

Luffy gasped. "You said the f-word!" Ace immediately covered his little brother's ears. "Luffy, what does the fox say? Ring ding ding …."

"SHUT UP!" Everyone stopped their antics at Nami's order. She turned to Luffy with an evil glint in her eye.

"Luffy-kun, did you know that Roronoa Zoro is a swordsman?" she asked, her voice sickeningly nice, and she spoke like one would when they were dangling candy in front of a child to make them go into the van.

Luffy's eyes twinkled. "Really?"

"Oi, Nami, don't manipulate my little brother-"Ace began but Nami wasn't hearing any of it.

"Yep. His records say he could use three-"

"Using three swords is different from practicing three-sword style-" Zoro interjected but Nami was still not listening.

"Shut up and don't interfere when Nami-san is talking!" Sanji aimed his kick at Zoro who blocked it with ease, much to Sanji's surprise.

"Luffy?" Nami smiled at Luffy who grinned back innocently.

"Alright! I want to make Zoro part of my crew!" he leapt joyfully as he said so, raising his hand like he was answering in the class.

"WHAT?!" Sanji and Zoro shouted simultaneously.

"Milord! You can't be serious! His hair is weird!" Sanji pointed at it. "It hurts my eyes! And he's a commoner!"

"I can't be seen prancing around in those prissy clothes acting like some sort of pansy who carries a sword yet can't even use one!" Zoro was talking at the same time. Luffy simply gave them his signature smile that said he didn't give a fuck or he wasn't listening.

"Nope! I want Zoro in my crew! From now on, Zoro, you're a host!"

It wasn't very long when Zoro was shoved into a dressing room and some kind of weird force dressed him up into the same ridiculous outfit the rest were wearing. When he came out, the room was filled with both male and female students seated in tables and being served by the club members.

Nami was standing beside him scribbling something in her clipboard.

"We'll have you go through a little test run with Sanji. He'll show you the basics of hosting and when you get the hang of it, you'll be hosting alone. You have to find your own archetype so people will designate for you," Nami explained as she pushed up her glasses on her nose.

"How exactly does it work?" Zoro scratched the back of his head. "Am I supposed to spew out romantic nonsense while serving these pansies with tea?"

"As I've said, it depends on your archetype. Just act the way you normally act around women when you want to keep them around," she said, her eyes glinting like she already knew what he would do, what would happen, what he was thinking, who his fucking third grade teacher was, and pretty much everything.

"Fine," he said. He walked over to Sanji's table and pulled a chair to sit. The girls turned to look at him questioningly but he didn't bother speaking or looking back. He just sat uninterested.

"Oi, Curl-brow. The witch says you're gonna teach me," he said. The girls giggled at the nick name as Sanji felt a vein throb in his head.

"Like hell I'm going to spend a minute with an uncouth moss head like you!"

"Really want to start with the nicknames about looks? Coz I can think of a hundred other things that resembles your stupid eyebrows!"

"Oh really? I _dare_ you to think of a hundred words! Go on! Bet your brain can't even handle it!"

_Bonk._

Sanji and Zoro were both kneeling on the ground with their heads sporting a huge bump from Nami's fist. She cleared her throat and Sanji seemed to have remembered something. He quickly walked to the table where his customers were. Apparently he didn't even realize he was walking away from the table.

Zoro stood up form the ground. "Oi, witch. I don't think sending me to the idiot prince was a good idea," Zoro said.

"Don't worry. It was perfect," Nami said, the Cheshire grin still on her face.

As if on cue, three girls walked over to him. "Zoro-kun? Could we perhaps designate you?" the tallest girl with the red hair asked confidently.

Zoro turned to look at Nami who only smiled at him before walking away. Sighing, he led the girls to a nearby table and let them sit, racking his head for any ideas on what he should be doing. He turned to look at the rest of the hosts. Robin was the nearest to him. She was smiling politely and listening intently to the boys' and some girls' stories. Chopper sat beside her, talking animatedly.

Well, he got no ideas from there. He remembered what Nami said. Just try to keep them. In short, entertain them. He glanced at the cook who was flirting shamelessly with the girls, and staring right back at him, a challenging smirk on his face.

_Two can play at that game,_ he thought. Sitting down on the table, he asked the girls, "You guys want anything to drink?"

The girls smiled politely at him and said that they wanted tea. He sat in the sofa and lounged in it, spreading his arms and waving in the air until one of the butlers came.

"Get them tea, and get me some sake," Zoro said. The butler nodded and went off.

"Zoro-kun, aren't you a bit too young to be drinking alcohol?" the red haired girl asked. Her voice was husky and Zoro could see she was eyeing him hungrily. Now this was his type of customers.

"Tea is for weaklings who can't hold their alcohol," Zoro said as he took the glass from the tray the butler had just brought in. The butler proceeded to place the tea in front of the girls.

"My, my, Zoro-kun's such a bad boy," the blonde girl said. Her voice was shrill but breathy, so it didn't make Zoro cringe.

Zoro just scoffed as he unbuttoned the top of his shirt and loosened his tie. "Why is it so damn hot in here?" he said. He could feel the stares of the girls travelling down his body.

After a while, five more girls had designated him and was now sitting on his table. He now had two girls in his arms and was feeling him up as he whispered in their ears.

The rest of the hosts watched him with jealousy. Well, mainly Sanji. The rest were just impressed.

"He's a natural," Ace said, smirking. "A natural bad boy."

Nami smiled at them knowingly. "I knew we were missing one more archetype, and that it was him we needed the minute he walked in."

Sanji was biting the inside of his cheek as he watched with envy the green-haired idiot hogging all the fun that he would never dare do to a girl.

"To be honest, I'd think Ace-kun could do the bad-boy bit," Robin said.

"But we need him to be the lovable lug that has an incestuous relationship with his little brother," Nami replied.

"True."

Soon, hot club hours had ended and Nami declared the success of the day's events.

"Our profits increased drastically, so Zoro, congratulations. You may continue with your bad boy archetype. I'm warning you, however, you're not allowed to kiss or go past second base with any of the girls-"

"Don't worry about that," Zoro said. "I don't swing that way."

Their eyebrows shot up. Luffy and Chopper still innocently munched on their food, either not caring or not aware of what Zoro had just said, but the rest were pretty surprised by it. Even Nami. Nami was the first to clear her throat.

"Well, this makes it easier, as I will be more reassured that you will not be having sexual relations with any of our customers," she said. She then took out her phone and called someone.

"Please remove the bugs and tell off the spies I hired," she said. Zoro shivered in his shoes and cautiously stepped away from Nami.

That night, Zoro was offered (or forced) a ride with Sanji. Sanji awkwardly sat a few meters away from Zoro.

"Don't act all jumpy on me, curl-brow," Zoro rolled his eyes. "I'd rather die than try to hit on you."

Sanji immediately took offense. "Yeah right! I'm the hottest piece of ass on that school! You can't not want me."

"I would, but you're such a priss who takes the time ironing his hair'," Zoro smirked.

"Stop calling me a priss, you fucking bastard," Sanji lifted his leg to kick at Zoro. He realized his mistake when Zoro took hold of his leg and pulled at it, forcing Sanji to lie with his back on the chair.

Zoro hovered over Sanji, his lips floating near Sanji's ear. "I meant that you're such a good boy and I don't think you can handle me," Zoro said huskily, his breath tickling Sanji's ear.

The car stopped in front of his apartment, and Zoro sat back up and opened the door to go nonchalantly, leaving Sanji flustered and still lying on his back.


End file.
